


Everything You Never Wanted to Know

by irisbleufic, raven_aorla



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Autistic Character, Canon Character of Color, Canon Queer Character, Canon Queer Relationship, Card Games, Cards Against Humanity, Established Relationship, F/F, Families of Choice, Female Character of Color, Female Friendship, Friendship, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, M/M, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, Murder Husbands, POV Edward Nygma, Psychopaths In Love, Unconventional Families
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 15:24:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11854386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irisbleufic/pseuds/irisbleufic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_aorla/pseuds/raven_aorla
Summary: “Oh myGod,” Selina groaned, thumping the table.  “Shut up the nerd squad already!”“There aren’t any situation-appropriate means I could use,” lamented Oswald, in solidarity.[Gothamcharacters play Cards Against Humanity.  Readable as a stand-alone or as part of either writer's fic-series, as per the notes.]





	Everything You Never Wanted to Know

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first collaboration either of us have done in a while, and it’s also the first one we’ve done together. We wrote this using similar methodology to irisbleufic’s solo _Good Omens_ companion-pieces containing Cards Against Humanity games between characters ( **[ _It’s All Fun And Games_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/728117/chapters/7072610)** / **[_Until Someone Opens Their Eyes_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/728117/chapters/8413051)** ), meaning that we shuffled irisbleufic’s Bigger, Blacker Box of 3,000+ cards, dealt out _almost_ completely random hands for all the characters, and wrote the game we spent a number of hours playing on their behalf. This story is designed such that it can fit into either **[Delicate, Dangerous, Obsessed [WYFIR] ’Verse](http://archiveofourown.org/series/726708)** _or_ **[Made to Measure ’Verse](https://archiveofourown.org/series/706518)**. Given these continuities differ on many points, we’ve done our best to avoid too many specifics of each. This is liminal, Venn-diagram-type space (if you’re reading it through a DDO/WYFIR filter, it comes after **[_Learning Our Names_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11624541?view_full_work=true)** ; if you’re reading it through a MTM filter, it comes after **[Chapter 16 of _Inches and Miles_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10651950/chapters/24575562)** and between **[Chapters 22 and 23 in _Intangible Quantities_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11033349/chapters/26220417)** ). Nefyn Pontiac is one of raven_aorla’s original characters, and her interpretation of Jonathan Crane predates the S4 announcement. That’s everything you need to know. This can be read as a stand-alone.

Edward picked up the last unshuffled stack of white cards, running his fingers contemplatively along the edges. He’d given himself a paper-cut opening and scrambling several of his recently acquired expansion packs, and he wasn’t eager to repeat the experience.

Selina drummed her fingers along the edge of the table, still annoyed that she’d been evicted from Oswald’s habitual seat so Edward could take it. She dubiously watched him work. The shine she'd taken to that chair was uncanny.

“I hope this part isn’t gonna, like, take all night,” she yawned. “That’s a lot of freakin’ cards.”

“Of course not,” Edward replied, setting the stack aside. “I shuffled most of them while I was waiting for all of you to arrive. I’m keenly aware nobody else has the patience.”

“The game itself can take all night at Casa del Zsasz,” Nefyn said cheerfully. “I don’t mind, now that they don’t make _me_ serve the drinks anymore.”

“Nobody will be having drinks unless it is not alcoholic,” Olga insisted, bustling in with a bowl in each hand. “House rules. I did not make them,” she added, setting the popcorn in front of Ivy at the opposite end of the table. “Not this one, anyhow.” She made her way to the middle of the table and set the pita chips cautiously amidst the seven randomly-spaced stacks of white cards and two stacks of black. “Like Jonathan has requested.”

Jonathan took a handful. “Thank you, Olga. Since recent dosage adjustments I’ve been craving bread again, but at least I should be able to get through the entire evening as, like, myself.”

“Not Himself,” Nefyn muttered, taking a chip contemplatively between thumb and forefinger.

“What I want to know is who made up the rule,” said Selina, instantly confrontational. “Ed?”

“Don’t look at him,” Ivy hissed, pointing over at the sofa. “Like who did you _think_?”

“I can hear you,” Oswald warned, turning the page of his novel without looking up; Edward was still miffed that he had refused to participate. “If I’m stuck monitoring this train-wreck, inebriation is a factor I’d prefer to keep out of play.”

“I’m sure he’s got some clause where _he’s_ allowed to be drunk,” Bridgit muttered, snagging a few pieces of popcorn from under Ivy’s nose. “Can't remember the last time I saw him without wine. Wanna start a betting pool?”

“My money is on Edward winning,” said Olga, dusting off her hands as she left the room.

“Favoritism,” Selina scoffed, picking up one of the piles of white cards. “Hey, can I deal?”

“Ten cards to each player,” Edward instructed, twitchy at the notion of relinquishing control.

“She’s not gonna hurt the cards,” Jonathan said at half-volume. “I wish we could talk privately this evening, but I understand logistics.”

 _How do you know she won't hurt them?_ Edward wanted to ask, but bit his tongue instead. “Whatever. Deal,” he told Selina, shifting his gaze anxiously to Jonathan. “We can discuss it tomorrow. Text or call?”

“Sure. The formaldehyde’s set well,” Jonathan replied. “It’s nothing extremely urgent, I just—”

“If you guys are gonna talk science, at least talk louder!” Ivy complained, scooping up the several cards that Selina had already sent hurtling her way. “I have stuff to contribute. Exclusion’s rude, ya know.”

“Ivy, I was hoping to talk to you about your use of psychotropic sap, but I’ll save it for when it’s us three. Gimme some cards, Selina.” 

“Keep your pants on,” Selina sighed, already dealing them each a sixth card. “I’m fast, but I’m not _that_ fast. Tell me we’re playin’ for cash, and maybe your chances will improve.”

“House rules,” said Oswald, tartly. “No gambling, either. Olga should have known better.”

“No gambling at _Penguin_ ’s place?” Bridgit retorted. “What’s the world coming to?”

“At home, the house rule is that any game can be turned into a strip format,” Nefyn said.

Edward swallowed hard, gathering up his hand. “There will be no stripping,” he said hastily.

“Aw, c’mon,” Ivy wheedled, resting her chin on the backs of her hands, cards fanned. “You’re no fun. I bet that’s one rule Pengs would be glad to let slide. Especially if it meant he'd get to look at _you_.”

“I don’t even understand how we got on this subject,” Bridgit griped. “Finish dealing, or else!”

“Stripping games should be undertaken with enthusiastic consent only,” Nefyn said reassuringly.

“And that’s ten,” Edward cut in, idly perusing his cards. “Jonathan’s the card czar to start off.”

“Favoritism,” Selina muttered again, eyes going slightly wide at what she’d dealt herself.

“Speaking of _actual_ house rules,” Edward said, “we’ll go twice around the table. That way, everyone gets to be czar two times. We’ll have a tie-breaker if necessary. Please remember to draw a white card—or two, or three—after making your play. Your hand should stay at ten.”

“That’s too short a game for a hand as good as I’ve got,” Bridgit protested loudly. “No fair.”

“Perhaps an additional round if we’re all enjoying ourselves,” Edward amended with reluctance.

Jonathan flipped the top card off the nearest black stack with ceremony, situating it neatly in front of him. “From WBEZ Chicago,” he read, “it’s _This American Life_. Today on our program, _blank_. Stay with us.”

“Oh, that brings back memories,” Oswald commented dryly. “Drugged and captive audience.”

“Nobody said you had to like it,” Edward shot back, chewing his lower lip while he looked over his cards a second time. _Whoopi Goldberg_ ; _The Care Bear Stare_ ; _Self-identifying as a DJ_ ; _The shittier, Jewish version of Christmas_ ; _The way James Bond treats women_ ; _Mommy and Daddy fighting all the time_ ; _New Age music_ ; _My entire ass_ ; _Catapults_ ; and _That thing politicians do with their thumbs when they talk_. Considering the czar, he had exactly two viable options. It was excruciating to determine which one he should go with.

“This blows,” said Selina, tossing her white card face-down toward Jonathan. “Literally.”

“Sucks to be you,” Bridgit replied, tossing her card on top of Selina’s. “Literally.”

“That’s not actually the correct usage of _literally_ ,” Jonathan began, but Nefyn brandished a pita chip at him in warning.

“No spoilers,” Edward cautioned, tossing _Self-identifying as a DJ_ into the mix.

Once everyone had made their selections, Jonathan scrambled the white cards and read them. Slowly. _Twice_. It was enough to make Edward consider checking to see if Jonathan had added the occasional absence seizure to his neurological issues. 

“ _Dry heaving_? How pleasant,” Jonathan said conversationally. “ _A gassy antelope_. That sounds like an experiment with roadkill gone wrong. _White privilege_ , given the program, is dead-on. But,” he concluded, holding up the remaining two cards, “ _My sex life_ and _Self-identifying as a DJ_ are really doing it for me. Decisions, decisions. This is going to be a tough one.”

“I can tell you exactly who played which of those,” Oswald offered, sounding insufferably smug.

“In the fantasy betting, I am already a rich woman,” Olga commented as she brought out Oswald’s tea. “There is no point to this game. The deck is practically stacked.”

“If you two don’t can it,” Ivy said brightly, “we’re gonna move this up the road to my place.”

“My main concern about _My sex life_ is that I know who played it, and, uh, Nefyn, I don’t think we’d all fit in a sound booth.” As with most things, Jonathan sounded unconcerned about revealing considerable detail concerning both his legal and personal activities.

Nefyn shrugged, unfazed. “Never said it’d be all at once. Also, most of you are super limber.”

“You’re right,” Oswald told Olga, taking the cup and saucer off her hands. “You’re rolling in it.”

“Goddamn you, Nygma,” Bridgit said under her breath, drawing a card to replenish her hand.

“The clincher is _self-identifying_ ,” Jonathan continued, sliding the black card to Edward. “He keeps insisting on picking the mood music for lab sessions. I have a weakness for in-jokes.” 

“Thank you,” said Edward, beaming as he set the proof of his win aside. “Nefyn’s up next.”

Nefyn drew the next black card with a flourish. “What will I bring back in time to convince people that I am a powerful wizard?”

“Wouldn’t that be a better job for your boss?” Jonathan asked. “Sounds like Zsasz to a Z.”

“Very, very nope,” Nefyn replied, as if the subject were unequivocally closed for discussion.

Edward slid _The Care Bear Stare_ face-down in Nefyn’s direction, as if offering a bribe.

“Y’all are incredibly fucked,” Selina announced, sliding her play across the table. “I got this.”

“Overconfidence killed the Cat,” Bridgit singsonged. “You’re going _down_ , sweetheart.”

Jonathan immediately slipped a card over and checked his phone. “Sorry, Harley texted about the test on Monday. Gimme a sec.”

Ivy snorted. “What kind of a name is that? Is she a biker chick or something? Sounds hot.”

“She would love to be, I think,” Jonathan said, popping another chip into his mouth with his free hand while he typed. “As for the latter, maybe, but I don’t do people who want romance. She’s a friend.”

“I don’t need _everything_ from anyone. And Ivy, dear, consider your czar when talking about weird names,” Nefyn said, raising an eyebrow.

“His business cards all say _Knifepoint_ ,” Jonathan said with the barest hint of a smile. He pressed _SEND_ and pocketed his phone.

“All in?” Edward prompted, gesturing at the pile of white cards. “We haven’t got all night.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Ivy said, passing her card to Bridgit, who slid it across to Nefyn. “Right, Pengs?”

Oswald glanced over at her. “I’ll personally see to it that this game ends early if you don’t—”

“Behaving’s overrated,” Selina said, chin in hand. “C’mon, Knife-boy. Show me what you’ve got.”

“Overrated? Says someone who’s clearly never had three Zsaszettes pissed at them all at once.”

“If you’re not a Zsaszette because you’re a guy, what word do you use?” Bridgit asked.

Edward caught Olga’s attention as she finally started to head back for the kitchen. He mimed a cup of tea, earning her best imitation of Oswald’s sarcastic eye-roll. “So bring some for everyone?” he continued aloud, shrugging. “Decaf for Jonathan, please.”

Jonathan nodded. “If you have honey, that’d be cool. Which reminds me.” He reached into his pocket and produced a lacquered antique pill box, which was at odds with his drab casual outfit.

“I’m hoping Zsaszeur will catch on. So far, not yet. I was the house apprentice until relatively recently. Okay, here we go.” Nefyn mixed up the cards and then flipped each of them over. “ _The Care Bear Stare._ Heh, cute. _Selling crack to children._ Odin on an Oreo, I know who this is. _Extremely tight pants._ Almost got me killed once. I can tell you sometime. _The male gaze._ I’m pretty sure objectification goes back to the Stone Age? _The best taquito in the galaxy._ Shit.”

“Don’t go into movie quotes,” Jonathan said. “I doubt that everybody here will get them.”

“I understood that reference,” said Edward. “Even if I didn’t care for the source material.”

“I don’t just love the Deadpool movie. I love the comics, too. I have a collection. I used to have figurines, except my guardians sold them when I was in juvie, which wasn’t why I did what I did later, but was certainly a contributing factor…”

“Oh my _God_ ,” Selina groaned, thumping the table. “Shut up the nerd squad already!”

“There aren’t any situation-appropriate means I could use,” lamented Oswald, in solidarity.

Bridgit snickered so hard around a mouthful of popcorn that it was a miracle she didn’t choke.

Edward flushed, his cheeks instantly hot. “I could share every expletive you used while we watched it. Unflattering, given the caliber of gentleman you pretend to be!”

Nefyn picked up the card and waggled it. “Not everyone’s into the same stuff. My apologies. I know I’m more of a tag-along guest, and I don’t want to be a pain. Whose card is this?” 

Ivy raised her hand, receiving her prize with unabashed glee. “Suck it, ladies!” she crowed.

“I thought for sure you’d pick mine,” Jonathan said. “Or _The Care Bear Stare_.”

“ _The Care Bear Stare_ is too much like jokes I get all the time. Yours is too on-the-nose. I’d pat your hand patronizingly if you were comfortable with casual touch.”

“I’d never actually do that,” Jonathan said. “Children have immature brains. And it’d be something more interesting than crack.”

“Moving on,” said Edward, perhaps too quickly. “Ivy, do the honors. I can’t _wait_.”

“Wow, this is messed up,” Ivy said with relish. “It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from _blank_.”

Edward sent _New Age music_ hurtling so hard that it ricocheted off one of the stacks of white cards and sailed off the edge past Bridgit’s elbow. He mouthed _sorry_ at her.

“Somebody better get this guy his tea, stat,” said Selina, obnoxiously enough for Olga to hear. She played her card by passing it to Bridgit, as if to demonstrate proper methodology.

“Dr. Kali’s hoping all of you are well,” Nefyn said, apropos of nothing.

While everyone else made their selections, Edward looked to Oswald so he wouldn’t have to engage with either the low-grade mockery or Kali’s uninvited inquiry. Oswald flashed him an almost imperceptible smile before getting back to his book. It helped.

Nefyn bit his lip, as if worried he’d gone too far, before saying, “Several people tried to bribe me into complimenting your clothing choices. I said that’d be mean.” 

It took Edward a few seconds to remember Nefyn was red-green colorblind.

“Okie-doke, you slowpokes had better all be in,” said Ivy, gathering up the white cards. She counted them, satisfied. “Let’s see what we’ve got. Whoa. _Actual mutants with medical conditions and no superpowers_ ain’t pullin’ no punches!”

“It ain’t. If the tea could get here soon, I need to take another several hundred milligrams of antipsychotic,” Jonathan said, twisting a mood ring on his right pinkie finger in tight swivels. “But hey, I fear nothing, which simply _must_ be worth it, right?”

“Olga!” Edward shouted before Ivy could start up again. “How much longer until it’s ready?”

“ _Dis bitch_ will not be picking, well, this one. _Jason, the teen mayor_? Uh, what? Maybe _New Age music_ would’ve stood a chance, but, honey, I’ve gotta tell ya…” Ivy slid _A piñata full of scorpions_ to Bridgit with a wink. “Love it.”

“Hell _yes_ ,” Bridgit said, clutching the card to her chest. “I had the feeling that’d fly.” She reached for the nearest stack of black cards, flipping the top one without mercy. “Hey, losers, make your draws fast,” she went on, dramatically clearing her throat. “Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It’s _blank_ and _blank_.”

“Well, damn,” said Edward, throwing caution to the wind. “Make sure you put the one you want to be read first on the bottom,” he said, laying down _Whoopi Goldberg_ and _Catapults_ in proper configuration. “Here,” he said, handing them to Bridgit.

Jonathan was either doing his best to comply or didn’t really care for this round, submitting his cards within seconds.

“I think I’ll just go get a glass of water.”

“I brought water for you, grumpy guts,” Nefyn said, plunking a plastic sports bottle onto the table. 

Perhaps more touched than he’d expected, Jonathan took his medication with mumbled thanks. 

Edward found it unsettlingly funny that Olga came in with the tea tray several seconds later, but he was too occupied with making sure everyone made their plays to comment. He thanked her.

Bridgit started lifting up the card-pairs, her bewildered expression so exaggerated that Oswald decided to put down his book and give this round his full attention. She made a frustrated noise.

“ _Dinosaurs who wear armor and you ride them and they kick ass_ and _A tiny fireman who puts out tiny fires_. Somebody’s smoking the good shit. _Kanye West_ and _Nickelback_? I ain’t callin’ those mofos. _Our first chimpanzee president_ and _Bio-engineered turtles with acid breath_ , hmmm. Nice one.” She frowned at the remaining two sets. “ _Whoopi Goldberg_ and _Catapults_ is seriously kick-ass. Who the fuck played this?” she demanded, turning _My huge penis and substantial fortune_ and _Tibetans_ out for all to see. “You have issues with a capital I.”

“You say that as if it weren’t half the table,” Selina scoffed, belligerently raising her hand.

“Well, dang,” Bridgit said, throwing the cards at her in disgust. “You _don’t_ win.”

“The only reason I haven’t written about any of you for my psychology class is the knowledge that this might lead to my painful death,” Jonathan joked, so dryly as to be desiccated. He was adding an ungodly amount of honey to his tea. “I had an interesting discussion with you-know-who about it, though.”

“Voldemort?” Nefyn asked facetiously, and Edward all but choked on his first sip of tea.

“As far as winning,” said Olga, making the remainder of her rounds, setting a teacup in front of each of them, “I am just dying to know this one.”

“It’s gotta be the chimp and the turtles,” Bridgit confessed, waving the black card. “Who?”

“Ivy takes the lead, _whoo_!” Ivy exclaimed, snatching her prize. She punched the air.

Edward drew two cards to replenish his hand. He felt _Watching you die_ and _A zombie with a tragic backstory_ land heavily on top of his other recent draws ( _A cheerfulness that belies a deep-seated self-loathing_ , _Friction_ , _Alcoholism_ ).

Setting his book aside, Oswald took up his cane and hobbled over to stand next to Edward.

“You don’t look happy about what’s in your—” He peered at Edward’s cards. “ _Ah_.”

Selina flipped a black card onto the table. “Science will never explain _blank_ ,” she read.

“Just have to play them right,” muttered Edward, with determination. “I’m fine, Oswald.”

“With all due respect,” Oswald said under his breath, setting a hand on Edward’s shoulder, “I’m staying right here until I’m sure you’re not lying through your teeth.”

“Get your plays in,” prompted Selina, with an edge of impatience. “I’m not gonna waste time.”

Edward plucked _Mommy and Daddy fighting all the time_ from his hand and slapped it down. 

Oswald squeezed his shoulder, intending it as both comfort and a well-intentioned warning.

“I like a lady who doesn’t mess around,” Bridgit said, flicking her card sideways so that it spun to a standstill on top of Edward’s. “And I think _you’re_ gonna like this one.”

“I know better than to keep you waiting,” Jonathan said, giving her his card without hesitation.

Selina made grabby-hands until everyone’s cards were within reach. She flipped them over.

“Huh,” she said, holding up _Mommy and Daddy fighting all the time_ and _Dead parents_. “If somebody’s trying to appeal to my vulnerable-orphan side, that doesn’t work.”

 _I was aiming for catharsis, fuck you very much,_ Edward thought, squeezing Oswald right back. _Guess that answers my question as to whether I’ve won you over or not_.

“Nobody here has living parents, and it sucks when it comes to ones you miss, but you’re not alone,” Jonathan said. He sipped his tea. “I missed my mom for a long time.”

“Whatevs, Crow Bro,” Ivy sighed, rooting through her hand after the fact. “I don’t miss mine.”

Jonathan cleared his throat. “I have at no point ever missed my _father_ and would probably kill him myself if he came back, Plant...Girl? Do you have a nickname?”

“Pengers says Poison Ivy is kinda bad-ass,” said Ivy, happily. “It might… _grow_ on me.”

“Olga, there’ll be no dessert for this one next time they’re over for dinner,” Oswald said firmly.

“Why are puns treated with such hostility? They’re one of the few forms of humor I still easily appreciate.” Jonathan had entire spreadsheets devoted to what emotional responses he retained compared to what he could remember from his pre-inoculation self.

“If she hadn’t said it, I would have,” Edward admitted. He knew which card was Ivy’s; for all that she’d tried to downplay it, he knew her relationship with her mother had been stable.

“Cut the chit-chat,” Selina said. “You can shove your _Dick fingers_ where the sun don’t shine, Knifeslinger,” she said, tossing the card at Nefyn. “You’re really obvious.”

Nefyn grinned. “If you had dick fingers, where else would you put them? That’d be what they were for. They would also be extremely difficult to explain scientifically. I stand by my card.”

“Then if you won’t stick ’em there, I’ll do it for you,” Selina said, moving on to the next card. “ _Western standards of beauty_ kinda suck, I’ll give you that, but I’m going with _A squadron of moles wearing aviator goggles_. That’d be pretty hard to explain, too, and…” She tapped the goggles atop her head, smirking as she handed the black card to Bridgit.

“They’d be adorable,” Nefyn said. He sipped his tea, confident in his generous claim.

“Are you sure you’re not talking about the dick fingers?” Selina said, winking at him.

“Moles have poor eyesight and would make terrible pilots, so I hope they’re wearing the goggles for confusing aesthetic reasons,” Jonathan said.

“ _Shhh_ , folks, shut up,” Ivy said, pointing at Edward. “It’s our host’s turn to be czar.”

Edward breathed out, accepting the black card Selina handed him off the top of the nearest pile. Even as Oswald’s reassuring grip on his shoulder abruptly turned to alarm, he could feel himself turn pale as he set it down on the table. _What ended my last relationship?_

Selina, Jonathan, and Ivy all cast him nervous glances as they read it, fiddling with their cards. Jonathan’s nervousness was more subtle, but it was telling that Edward could discern it at all.

Calmly, Oswald took the card and threw it on the discard pile, which was inside the lid of Edward’s storage box turned upside-down on the floor. He leaned across the corner of the table, between Edward’s left elbow and Selina’s right, snatching another card.

“Here,” he said, handing it to Edward. “Why don’t you try this one? It’s bound to be—”

“Why am I laughing and crying and taking off my clothes?” Edward read. “Right. Much better.” He set it down on the table, closing his eyes for a second. _Fuck his life_.

Oswald’s dismayed, delighted laughter snapped him out of it. He shrugged and grinned.

“Okay, man, you’re askin’ for it,” Selina said, going through her hand with a sense of purpose.

“If the goal was to acquire a sentient deck, Mr. Nygma, you got one that’s a bit of an asshole,” Nefyn said, passing over his selection.

“Hey, considering who built the damn thing,” replied Ivy, whistling, “it’s probably like...yeah, no comment,” she said snidely, sending a card hurtling toward the middle. 

Bridgit intercepted it and passed it along to Edward via Selina, along with her own card.

Jonathan added his to the pile. “Confirmation bias, Needlepoint. Spooky confirmation bias.”

Once all of the cards were in, Oswald surprised no one by taking them out of Edward’s hand. He flipped through them, lips pursed, before beginning to snicker like he couldn’t help it.

“Have fun,” he said, putting the cards back in Edward’s hand, and wandered over to the sofa.

“Okay, all in, I guess,” Edward sighed, spreading the cards methodically on the table in front of him. “ _A long business meeting with no obvious purpose_? I see you, Cat. Nice try.” He nonchalantly flicked the card at her. “ _Fucking me good and taking me to Red Lobster_ —I’m sorry, but no. Oswald has better taste than that.”

“There’s one near the Gotham University campus, just FYI,” Nefyn said temptingly.

“It’s the cheesy biscuits,” Jonathan muttered. “I can never get my own recipe right. Autobiography is a valid interpretation.”

“Yes, but I’m extremely unlikely to take the bait given who’s talking,” Edward said, handing the card to Jonathan. “ _My collection of high-tech sex toys_? Even more no,” he said, handing the card to Nefyn. “You two are being so obvious tonight it’s appalling.”

“Now you know how the rest of us feel all the time,” Selina said. “You and Oswald—”

“ _William Shatner_ ,” said Edward, ruthlessly enjoying the prospect of what he was about to say. “However covertly my teenage self might have desired that, you—” he slid the card to Bridgit “—don’t win. _The eight gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion_ are clearly the reason, not least because you can be sure Oswald is one of them.” He rose from his seat and walked to the opposite end of the table, presenting the card to Ivy with a bow.

“ _Favoritism_ ,” Selina growled. “Are you guys seein’ this crap? It makes me nauseous.”

“I’ve never won one of these games. Isn’t it _supposed_ to be about banter and innuendo?” Nefyn knocked back the rest of his tea like a shot.

“When you mysteriously end up with all the sex cards in your hand, sure,” Bridgit retorted.

“Are you accusing me of something?” Nefyn asked in reply, his tone deceptively jovial.

“Hey, now,” Selina said, using her fist like a gavel to bang the table. “Don’t let this distract you from the fact that Pepper down there is the _real_ enemy. She’s winning again.”

“It would also be favoritism for me deliberately not to pick her card now that I’m the czar again,” Jonathan pointed out.

“I’m just glad you’re playing with me, period,” Edward confessed, drawing a card ( _My relationship status_ ). “I only got my GCPD colleagues to play once. Captain Essen was formidable.”

Nefyn said, “You could come over to Casa del Zsasz and play with us sometime, but I don’t think you’d like it. Things get...ruthless. And way racier than this.”

“If he’s from Casa del Zsasz and you three are from Maison d’Ivy, I want my place to be Covil de Crane.” Jonathan drew his black card. “Portuguese. Means _nest_. Or lair. As for this card… _oh_.”

“Out with it,” Edward prompted. “Any card that gets a reaction like that from _you_ —”

“I’m okay, it’s just super ironic. Thank you for your concern.” Jonathan read, “ _Blank_. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice.”

“Are you sure you’re all right, blue jay?” Nefyn asked with concern comparable to Oswald’s.

Jonathan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “When I am not, it is highly visible. And audible. Cards, everyone.”

Nefyn placed his card delicately in front of Jonathan. “Here you are. I need to use the bathroom.”

“Me too,” Ivy said, jumping out of her seat. “Don’t worry, Neffster, I’ll use the one upstairs.”

“I have never been called so many nicknames in one social occasion since elementary school,” Nefyn said as he departed.

“Stay out of the spare bedroom if you value your life!” Edward shouted after her, met only with a cackle that echoed down both stairwell and hall. He made his play with a few misgivings.

“No, stay out of the _master_ bedroom if you value your life!” Oswald shouted by way of amendment. “As far as I’m concerned, the results otherwise could be entertaining.”

“Nobody else is up there, right?” Jonathan asked. “Olga hasn’t retired for a nap or something?”

“I doubt Oswald would use the word _entertaining_ if that were true,” said Edward, through gritted teeth. “Why doesn’t somebody play for Ivy? I think _that_ could be entertaining.”

Selina perked up at the opportunity for sabotage. “You got it, boss,” she said, dashing over to Ivy’s seat. She made the play almost instantly, scampering back. “That’s like the only time you’ll ever hear me call you _boss_ , so you’d better enjoy it.”

“Don’t let the bastards get you down, Nygma,” said Bridgit, delivering her card-choice.

“Believe me, I won’t,” Edward deadpanned. He glanced over at Oswald, who’d given up on his novel altogether. Fleetingly, he wanted to leave the table and curl up beside him.

Oswald rubbed absently at the sofa-cushion, but he shook his head at Edward. _Not yet_.

“I think Jonathan should play for— _oops_ ,” said Selina. “That doesn’t work. I’m dumb.”

“Insufficient evidence either way,” Jonathan said with casual fondness, mixing up the cards.

Ivy skipped back into the room and struck a pose, showing off Edward’s bowler, which was perched precariously on her head.

“I didn’t have time to put on anything else,” she said.

Nefyn wandered in, staring at her before returning to his seat. “It’s a little small for you.”

“Yup, she’s got a big head all right,” Bridgit lamented. “C’mon, people. This game’s dragging.”

“I didn’t get to play!” Ivy protested, and then noticed Selina’s focused smirk. “Oh, no _fair_.”

“I’ll go with my gut this time,” Jonathan promised. “ _Blank_. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice. _Texas._ So I’ve heard, but I would have to check myself. _Forty-five minutes of finger blasting._ Would it still be enjoyable by that point? _Badger culling._ Okay. I would say my favorites are _The Holy Bible_ and _A cheerfulness that belies a deep-seated self-loathing._ Hmmm. Going with gut, the second.”

Edward held out his hand for the black card. “I knew I stood at least half a chance with that.”

Jonathan gave it to him. “I knew that was you. Who played _The Holy Bible?_ ”

Nefyn playfully snatched it away from him. “It’s not all sex, all the time with me.”

“Hey, did I play _Badger culling_?” asked Ivy. “That’s what I actually would have picked. It’s not even awesome in theory. It’s cruelty to animals, is what it is. Same with fox hunting!”

“Fox hunting is purely recreational. Badger culling can arguably be done for disease control. Not saying it’s right, just saying they have different reasoning.” Jonathan hid a yawn behind his hand. “I cede the throne.” 

“Pepper three, Nygma two, Pike two,” Selina reminded them. “We’ve gotta up our game, guys.”

“I should’ve had that one with the finger blasting,” Bridgit sighed. “Gotta catch up with Ivy.”

“The sweet, heady taste of power,” Nefyn said, drawing a black card. “How am I maintaining my relationship status?”

“By the skin of your teeth,” Edward said under his breath, submitting a card for consideration. _The power of the Dark Side_ wouldn’t work as well here as with Jonathan, but he had to try.

Jonathan stared at Nefyn for a moment before telling the rest of the table, “Remember, everyone, if Nefyn actually could do sleight of hand he probably wouldn’t be losing all the time.” He passed his card several necessary inches to his right.

Once all of them were in, Nefyn did a perfunctory shuffle before reading them out.

“How am I maintaining my relationship status? _Adderall._ Any kind of performance enhancements just hurt you in the long run, kids. Even if it’s just your mob doctor yelling at you in Bengali for taking risks. _The power of the Dark Side._ No Force users have good relationships, what’s wrong with you? _A man in a suit with perfect hair who tells you beautiful lies._ Oh my God. I have feels. _Uranus._ Cute, but the pan erasure is moderate with this one. Finally we have: _Free samples._ I need to ponder this.”

Oswald came back over to stand beside Edward’s chair. He leaned in, kissed the shell of Edward’s ear, and whispered, “There’s nothing wrong with you, my love.”

“Fine,” Edward hissed back. “If that’s true, will you, as one very wise card suggested, fuck me good and take me to Red Lobster later on?”

“No,” said Oswald, mildly, smiling at the rest of the table in such a way that they got back to minding their own business, “but I’ll do what the card says and have Olga attempt a clone recipe of those biscuits while we’re going at it.”

Nefyn put aside all of his cards except two.

“ _Free samples_ isn’t wrong, and it’s funny. But if you count no hair at all as being perfect by default, it’s eerie…”

“If you were playing at home, which would you pick?” Jonathan asked.

“You’re a manipulative little shit,” Nefyn said, giving Jonathan the black card.

“Crane’s in the game!” Selina announced. “I knew it was only a matter of time.”

“I appreciate your faith in me,” Jonathan said. “I think it’s Ivy’s turn to be czar?”

“Indeed it is, _and_ ,” Ivy said theatrically, swiping a black card, “this is...kinda hilarious, whoa.” She cleared her throat and tipped Edward’s hat. “If you had to describe me, the card czar, using only one of the cards in your hand, which one would it be?”

“I’ve been waiting a long time for this,” Jonathan said as he submitted his choice. 

Nefyn went right after him, but made no comment. He looked dissatisfied with his options.

Edward fumed in silence, sliding _Friction_ as far forward as he could until Bridgit intercepted it and passed it along. Given the haberdashery situation, he couldn’t think of anything more fitting.

“Get your cards in, folks, before Riddle-man here blows a gasket,” Selina prompted.

Oswald kissed Edward’s temple before leaving them alone again, a welcome distraction.

“I’m gonna win this,” said Bridgit, with fierce determination, handing over her card.

“We’ll see about that,” said Ivy, spreading the plays out in a haphazard grid. She rested her chin on her hands as she looked them over, feigning seriousness. “ _Friction_. Ed, don’t be such a sourpuss; Pengy’s gonna spoil you rotten tonight. _Boogers_. Look at that, maybe I went after the wrong sourpuss,” she carried on, actually rising from her seat to chuck the card at Selina. “Just ’cause I got sick all the time didn’t mean you had to go out of your way to deal with my snot! _The Boxcar Children_? I know those books were, like, popular and stuff, but I didn’t read ’em.” She set her index fingers on the remaining two cards, tapping them in excitement. “ _Photosynthesis_ and _Tasteful sideboob_ are totally me. This is hard!”

“I’m gonna torch your ass if you don’t pick mine,” Bridgit seethed, impatiently tapping the table.

“I don’t like your tone,” replied Ivy, offering Jonathan the black card. “Great play, Crow Bro!”

“You’re dead to me,” said Bridgit, folding her arms across her chest. “Dead to me, you hear?” She drew a black card, prepared for her turn.

“Thank you, Ivy St. Laurent,” Jonathan said as he admired his two black cards, one in the palm of each hand. “Because perfume and whatnot?”

“I _like_ you,” Ivy said, looking about ready to _boop_ Jonathan on the nose.

“I like you, too, but please don’t touch me. Nothing personal. There’s only very specific scenarios.” Jonathan gave Nefyn an apologetic glance. 

Nefyn smiled gently and winked, which gave Edward the confirmation he needed, and then some.

“Nah, you’re safe,” Ivy said, waving a reassuring hand at him. “You’re too far away anyhow.”

“Nygma, this deck is hella creepy,” Bridgit said in faint astonishment. “Well, if _blank_ is a crime, then lock me up!” she read. “I’m serious. What did you do? Bewitch it?”

“Weeded out everything concerning ableism, child abuse, mental illness, and racism,” Edward said, sliding _My relationship status_ to her face-down, “although cards straight-up naming ethnicities, races, nationalities, religions, and the like got to stay in. Then, I bought just about every expansion pack I could find and added them to the mix. Weeded the aforementioned types of cards out of those, too, of course. The baseline in here is a combination of the US and UK starter sets, although I got rid of duplicate—”

“Yeah, okay, I get the picture,” Bridgit sighed. “How about everybody just make your plays?” Everyone else complied quickly, so she mixed the cards and flipped them over. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about. _Vehicular manslaughter_ pulls no punches, I like that. _Grave robbing_? Wow, that could be either one of two people at this table. _Overcompensation_? Pepper, shut up.” She handed the card back to Ivy. “ _Powerful thighs_ , yes please. _My relationship status_? None of your business, unless you mean…” She tapped the card against her lips. “Unless you mean your _own_.”

“Ed, stop preening,” Oswald called from the sofa, pretending to be lost in his book again.

“I have every right,” Edward sighed, accepting the card as Bridgit scooted it back to him.

“The powerful thighs get it,” Bridgit admitted, waving the card. “Who played this sucker?”

“You guys had better watch out,” Selina said, snatching the card out of Bridgit’s hand before discarding it. “Gimme the black one. There’s no way you’re gonna ruin my first win.”

“Kyle just got game,” Bridgit sighed, handing it over. “Maybe we’re gonna see a swift rise.”

“I’m pleased to be runner-up, even if I sucked at vehicular manslaughter lessons,” Nefyn said.

“Let’s get this show on the road,” said Selina, drawing the next black card. “She’s a lady in the streets, _blank_ in the sheets,” she read. “The first part’s inaccurate, but okay.”

Edward was relieved when Olga strolled in with a tray to clear away their teacups. It bought him some time to consider how appalling his hand was when considered in light of Selina’s card.

“It is too quiet in here,” Olga remarked, sloshing Edward’s cup at him before setting it on the table, refusing to take it away. “Like somebody died.”

“That’ll be when Ed decides to start using this game instead of riddles,” Ivy whispered, handing over her empty teacup when Olga finally reached her. “ _Shhh_. Don’t give him ideas!”

Edward slid _A zombie with a tragic backstory_ face-down to Selina, mostly because he didn’t know what else to play. He was aiming for an oblique dig at the vulnerable-orphan thing.

“You just gave him one, Pepper,” Bridgit snapped, handing her card to Selina. “A-plus job.”

“If you ever bring cards to an interrogation, I’m divorcing you,” said Oswald, with fondness.

Jonathan glanced at Nefyn, opening his mouth as if to say something, but Selina glared at him.

“No fuel on the fire,” she said, snapping her fingers. “Cards. Both of you. _Now_.”

Nefyn whistled, accepting the offer of Jonathan’s card, handing it over along with his own.

“All right, but you’re going to regret this,” he said. “Rushing leads to annoyed decisions.”

“We were annoyed to begin with,” said Bridgit, wearily. “That’s all in, Cat. Dazzle us.”

“Don’t I always?” Selina asked, grinning cheekily as she shuffled the cards. “Lady in the streets, a…” She squinted at the first card she turned over. “ _A zombie with a tragic backstory_ in the sheets? Like I don’t even...know where to go with that? Moving on. A lady in the streets, _Getting naked too soon_ in the sheets. Seriously? I’m also _Count Chocula_ in the sheets, as well as _A homoerotic subplot_. Yeah, so what. If you don’t like cereal in your bed, you probably shouldn’t sleep with me. Just saying. _Making out and stuff_ is the _least_ what-the-fuck thing here, so how about I go with that?”

Bridgit jumped up on her chair and made a victory fist, startling almost everyone. “Booyah!”

“How did you know about the cereal?” Jonathan whispered furtively to Nefyn.

“How did _you_ know about the homoerotic subplot?” Nefyn whispered back.

“That’s just insulting,” Bridgit said, accepting her winnings from Selina with a grin.

“Jonathan’s never met you before, is all,” Nefyn told Bridgit soothingly.

“I am capable of analysis from anecdotal evidence,” Jonathan said. “Mr. Nygma?”

“I am the beginning of the end, the end of every place,” Edward said, realizing the game might not be as close to over as it looked given the sudden tie. “I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space. What am I?”

“The letter E,” Oswald interjected, noisily turning a page. “I’ve heard that one before.”

“Right, and _end_ starts with E, so…” Ed drew a black card, chewing his lip. “Look, I couldn’t think of one for which the answer was the entire word. Please bear with me.” He set the card down on the table, frowning at it. “During sex, I like to think about _blank_.”

Oswald almost dropped his book. “I might have a few objections to that kind of speculation.”

“Let it go,” Edward sighed, scrubbing at his cheek in surrender. “Hit me with your best shot.”

“I am treating this question with the utmost respect, Mr. Cobblepot,” Nefyn said with worrying gravity, throwing his card like a frisbee and landing it precisely on the back of Edward’s hand.

“ _Pffft_ , I’m not,” said Selina, setting her card down next to Edward’s wrist, patting it.

“Goody goody, start a war,” Ivy retorted, passing her card to Nefyn for delivery to Edward.

“I also like Gambit comics,” Nefyn said, throwing Ivy’s card in precisely the same manner.

“He’s a character that throws cards a lot,” Jonathan clarified, handing a card directly to Edward. “Don’t do the accent.”

“It’s only a matter of time until we’ve got one of those running around Gotham, I bet,” Bridgit remarked. “C’mon, Nygma. I’m gonna fall asleep.”

“Depending on these responses, there are still four more of you to whom I can deny dessert,” Oswald reminded them, shuffling over to the table as if his curiosity had gotten the better of him again.

“I don’t generally get invited here, so that’s an empty threat,” Nefyn said.

“You can have half my dessert,” Jonathan mumbled, yawning again.

“Right, what I like to think about during sex,” said Edward, flipping the cards over with a measure of trepidation. “ _My humps_. This reads better if I take it as thinking about my own humps instead of the card-owner’s, so let’s go with that. Not going to win, by the way. During sex, I like to think about _Driving into a tornado to learn about tornadoes_. As metaphors go, that might not be so far off the mark. _Also_ not going to win.” He paused for breath, stealing a sidelong glance up at Oswald, who looked about as flummoxed as he had when they’d watched part of _Deadpool_. “During sex, I like to think about _The tiniest shred of evidence that God is real_ and _Being knowledgeable in a narrow domain that nobody knows or cares about_. Rude. Both true, maybe, but rude. During sex, I like to think about _Victory points_. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.”

“Our demons should go on play-dates more often,” Jonathan said in a slightly dazed fashion, reaching for the card. “On leashes, I mean.”

“I’m driving him home, don’t worry,” Nefyn hastened to add. “He gets like this after his newest evening meds.”

“I don’t know whether to be amused or disturbed,” Oswald remarked. He glanced around the table; Edward realized he was tallying black cards. “How did you manage a three-way tie?”

“Because we’re awesome, Pengs,” said Ivy, high-fiving Bridgit. “I won’t touch ya, Crow Bro.”

“I can do high-fives if I know they’re coming,” Jonathan said, initiating slow high-fives with the others. 

“I was _this_ close,” said Selina, getting in Edward’s face with her thumb and forefinger an inch apart. “That shred of evidence God is real? He’s standing right next to you, and you know it.”

“Lose with good grace and possibly with no clothes. That’s what I do,” Nefyn said.

“I’ll accept good grace,” Oswald muttered, regarding Selina with restrained contempt.

“This won’t do,” Edward said, reaching for the nearest stack of unused black cards. “We need a tie-breaker,” he said, offering the stack to Oswald. “Pick the one on top. Only those three get to play. You’ll be the judge.”

Oswald shrugged and drew the card. “Make a haiku,” he read. “There’s an instruction saying you should draw two new cards each and use three cards to form your haiku, but I’m going to make another house rule. You don’t get to draw. Use only what’s in your hand.”

“The syllable counts are going to be all wrong,” Jonathan pouted as he examined what he had left.

Edward rested his chin in his hands, leaning into Oswald’s side. “I don’t envy you the task.”

“I’m shit at poetry anyway, so this is gonna be fun,” Ivy said, shuffling through her hand.

“I aim to misbehave,” Bridgit said, decisively laying down two cards. “Gotta find one more…”

“Am drugged. Doing best. Here goes,” Jonathan said, handing his over to Edward, who was acting as card-collector for Oswald.

“ _Bingo_ ,” Ivy said, batching three cards together, sliding them to Edward. “Read the bottom one first. They’re in order going that way.”

“Same,” Bridgit said, finally settling on a third card. She gave them to Edward, biting her lip.

“Order is only a...a pretty illusion over the fundamental...the chaos of, you know, existence,” Jonathan said, lolling back in his chair. 

“I’m going to pretend I have even the faintest idea what that means,” Oswald said, watching Edward scramble the cards. “Ed, do the honors?”

“Haiku number one,” Edward said, laying out the first set. “ _Unfathomable stupidity_. _A cooler full of organs_. _Switching to Geico_. That's plausible.”

“I wish I didn’t know who put that one together, but I think I do,” Oswald admitted. “Next?”

“Haiku number two,” Edward went on. “ _A defective condom_. _Pixelated bukkake_. _Menopause_. Oswald, do you know what _bukkake_ is?”

“Yes, and I’m unfortunately never going to forget thanks to your explanation,” Oswald sighed miserably.

“Haiku number three,” Edward said, ignoring Oswald’s theatricality. “ _Some kind of bird-man_. _Making the penises kiss_. _A live studio audience_. Um?”

Oswald stared at the cards for a few long seconds, biting his lips repeatedly. He was trying not to laugh, Edward realized, and he wasn’t doing a terribly good job of it, either.

“That’s totally not fair,” Ivy protested. “Somebody’s appealing to Pengy’s vanity, and I sure as hell know it isn’t Crane over there. He can hardly string two sentences together.”

Jonathan shrugged. “The cornfield is quiet this way. I could have skipped the dose. It doesn’t play nice if I do.”

“Whatever,” Ivy sighed, scattering her remaining cards with a useless gesture. “That’s three.”

Bridgit and Oswald were exchanging the kind of looks that made Edward entirely understand why they worked flawlessly together in matters of intimidation. That their senses of humor had so many overlaps was perhaps the most significant realization of all.

“You, Miss Pike,” said Oswald, offering her the black card, “can have all the dessert you wish.”

“Final score,” said Edward, clearing his throat to restore order. “Pike four, Pepper and Crane three, myself two, Kyle one, Pontiac zero. I confess I didn’t foresee this outcome.”

“Olga!” shouted Oswald, so she’d hear him in the kitchen. “For your information, we lost everything! It’s back to Russia, especially since I can’t afford to pay you anymore!”

“Next time, we play by my house rules!” Olga shouted back. “Children do not stand a chance!”

“She doesn’t _have_ house rules,” Edward sighed, leaning harder into Oswald. “She’s never played this game, at least not that I know of.”

“Then next time I play,” Olga said, coming in with a dish towel in hand. “And make rules.”

Nefyn asked, “Do you need any help with cleanup? This guy can remain propped up for a bit longer before I transfer him to the car.”

“Losers get to help with clean-up,” Olga agreed. “In the kitchen, we have vodka.”

“I’ll check the floor for crumbs,” Jonathan suggested. “Nefyn, you’re driving.”

“Yes. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten. Stop being cute.” Nefyn got to his feet. “Jonathan would've won at Casa del Zsasz, you know.”

“Like your freak family’s customs mean anything on _this_ freak family’s turf,” Ivy said, grinning, throwing a piece of popcorn at them. “How about you _both_ stop being cute.”

“Am I driving anyone home?” Edward asked, reluctant to let go of Oswald, who was seated on the arm of Edward’s chair. _His_ chair. Same difference.

“I’ll text Caroline,” Oswald replied, ruffling Edward’s hair. “You’re not going anywhere.”

“You owe me cheesy biscuits,” Edward reminded him sternly. “And a lot more besides.”


End file.
